Not What We Expected

I typically do not and probably rarely ever will write about my personal life unless it pertains specifically to my faith.  And so tonight, I have a story to share.

About a week ago, Derik and I went to see the doctor and discuss if it would be safe to have another baby.  Without going into details, my last delivery was life threatening.  We both wanted to have more children, but not to the point of risking death.  We waited over an hour past my appointment before we got to see anyone.  The nurse took us back to an examining room, which I found odd because we were supposed to be meeting in his office.  I think she may have been trying to buy more time.  She asked a few questions.  I told her I was still nursing and that Ben was 9 months old.  Then she asked me to take a pregnancy test.  I told her, "no."  There was no possible way I could be pregnant.  We are VERY careful and use more than one method of birth control.  Because, let's face it, I plan things!  I despise chaos, we are very busy, and so our lives have to maintain some orderliness.  She asked me 5 more times, I emphatically refused.

We waited another 20 minutes and since we had been waiting so long I needed to use the restroom.  She caught me on the way in and practically begged me to take a test.  What could it hurt?  At least she would stop asking me.  Shortly afterwords we finally got to meet with Dr. Lee.  He had read my operative notes and gone over everything from my last delivery which took place in Grand Rapids.  We were discussing why things may have gone wrong, what could go wrong again, and what precautions we would have to take in the future if we decided to have another baby.  Then, his phone rang.  He seemed flustered and even upset.  He is a very by the books man and doesn't appreciate being interrupted during a meeting.  Dr. Lee said excuse me and rushed out of the room.  About a minute later he came back in, sat down, and we continued where we left off before.  As we were wrapping up, I asked one more question.  And Dr. Lee said, "I think this is a moot point, because it appears you are pregnant."  WHAT!!!  I think Derik almost fell off his chair!  And quite frankly, I thought they had made a mistake.

We decided to tell people; because after all, no one is really surprised anymore when I get pregnant.  It has become more the norm than the exception.  After 4 days and a thousand more pregnancy tests, I finally accepted that I was having a baby and we had not planned for it.  Financially we aren't ready. I was planning on only working one more year, but now I have to work two.  I'm concerned for my body and praying my uterus holds together.  Ben is so young, and I am worried he'll have to grow up too fast.  Many many other issues raced through my mind.  I even thought to myself, maybe I'll miscarry.  I have before.  Doesn't that sound horrid?  What kind of mother thinks, "Oh well, maybe I'll miscarry."?

My attitude, full of valid fears and lacking in love, is not new.  I see it often in many teenage moms.  Thanks God.  Though, not exactly, you seem to have stuck me in a predicament much like a lot of my students face.  And here, I've been helping them not really understanding where they are coming from.  Now, I make no bones about it.  My situation and there situations are much, much different.  But my thoughts were probably many of the same thoughts they had - except having a baby for me is not the safest endeavor.  And though abortion never came to mind, miscarriage did.  Wouldn't it be easier just to lose the baby instead of having to rearrange my life - or even risk losing my life?  Yes, yes it would.

EXCEPT - this baby has a definite purpose.  As I left the doctor's office, I said to the staff.  "This has to be God, because I still can't figure out how it all happened." (No tutorials needed, I just can't figure out how 2 methods BOTH failed.)  This little baby God started forming in my womb needed to be born at just the right time in order to fulfill a specific purpose God has for his or her life.  This baby was not our idea, but God's.  What a special little child!  I'm kind of excited to meet him/her!  How my love has grown in such a short time.  To experience a miscarriage now, would be devastating.  And while there are some doctors who would say that an 'early delivery' (yes, that's what they call abortions now) might save me from death during labor or delivery, what kind of mother says, "kill the child save me?"  If my only purpose would be to deliver this child into the world so he or she could fulfill a much greater purpose, than so be it. (I hadn't thought about this before, but Francis Chan's mother died giving birth to him.  How many people has he led to Christ?  Only God knows, but the purpose God has for his life is astounding.) 

I'm not really afraid of dying giving birth, but I know it is a possible consequence.  I figure God's got it all planned out.  I'm more excited to see what He can do in my child's life!  And if He grants me many more years to come, which I pray He does, I will be ever grateful, and use that gift to serve Him more.  Life is never easy.  I never thought I wouldn't want a baby.  I never thought I'd be okay with a miscarriage.  And yet, in my humanity, that is where I found myself.  Thank you God, for pulling me out of that muck!  For teaching me about the value of life all over again.  For giving me an experience not unlike that of my students whom I love.  And for showing me how much higher your thoughts are than mine.

And please God, keep me safe over the next few months.  This baby is very precious to me and You and I would be honored if You would allow me to raise him/her for the next 18 years.  But as my grandma always said, "Not my will, but Your will be done."