Loneliness

I am lonely - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but nearly all of the time.  As a child, being lonely was a lot more difficult.  There is something about the human spirit that craves relationship, and that shouldn't be too surprising because God created us for such a purpose.  But when we find ourselves outside of close relationships or far away from those we love, loneliness can really set in, and when it does we have to be very careful how much footing we allow it to have in our life.  Because if we look at the loneliness only through the lens of sadness, we risk misinterpreting the reason behind our feelings.

Often, feelings of loneliness can morph into feelings of rejection and low self-esteem, and as a child it can feel overwhelming and lead to depression.  I'm not sure I was depressed as an adolescent, but I was very lonely and I most certainly felt rejected.  Friends were very hard to come by.  Even though I was quite athletic and started on all the sports teams, I still carried the nerd card.  And while I tried desperately to fit in, I was very conflicted in my spirit.  Behaving in a way that would allow me to be accepted by my peers was in direct violation to how God was calling me to live.

Thankfully, my parents stepped in and put me in a Christian High School.  It wasn't all roses, but there were plenty of other kids like me and I finally didn't feel so lonely.  I also didn't have to compromise my beliefs in order to fit in.  (However it should be noted, that Christian schools are by no means perfect, and not all students who attend them are Christians.)  After high school, I went to college where once again loneliness started to take over.  As an 18 year old, I finally looked around and realized that loneliness was going to be a part of my life.  Because, the truth is: there are very few genuine Christians in the world.  People can say they are Christians.  They might go to church, sing praise songs, and read their Bibles, but actions don't make you a Christian.  True Christians have been reborn in Christ.  They are a new Creation and they are in the minority.

I have come to accept loneliness as a small part of my life.  I also teach my children to expect to be lonely at times.  After all, being a Christian and living a Christian life automatically puts you at odds with the world.  We are the exception not the norm.  We could choose to only surround ourselves with genuine Christians, but then we wouldn't be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).  God has called us to be different and to experience bouts of loneliness in this world.

But the truth is, even if  the world was only filled with genuine Christians, I'm confident I would still feel the pangs of loneliness.  Because there is a part of me that longs for something more - to know God and be known by Him.  While we may feel alone among humanity, we actually are never alone.  God is with us, and He promised to never leave us or forsake us.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence,“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”  (Hebrews 13:5b-6 NIV)

Our loneliness causes us to long for Christ and His return. If we never felt lonely, would we ever truly understand our need for Christ?  No one likes to feel alone.  I don't particularly enjoy it.  I have very few friends, and while my family fills some of the void, the rest of the void belongs squarely to God.  I long for Him.  I run after Him.  In my inability to find a comfortable fit in this world, I find complete acceptance and peace in God's hands.  I am lonely, but I am not alone.  Certainly there are welcoming kind people at church, plenty of social activities to keep me busy, and my children never actually let me have a minute to myself, but the feeling of loneliness still lingers.  It ebbs and flows and is a constant reminder that I am a temporary resident of this world (1 Peter 2:11).

I have learned that loneliness isn't so much of a curse as it is a reminder that I belong to Christ.  I need Him.  There is a part of me that will never be satisfied until He returns and that sits well with me.  In fact, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death and the Periodic Table

I recently read an article by Oliver Sacks about how in his last days on this earth, he is finding comfort in the Periodic Table.  Strange?  Perhaps.  But what few of you may know, is that I carry an orange laminated Periodic Table with me wherever I go.  It resembles a credit card in size and is stacked among some of them in my wallet as though it carries equal weight.  I guess this makes me an official card carrying nerd, but I've come to accept that I'm a little different.

Oliver Sacks and I have little in common, except that we both love numbers and find some comfort in them.  I am not nearly as intelligent as he is, nor am I as gifted.  However, I am fascinated by the order and complexities of this world and love learning as much as I can.  In fact, I'm sure Dr. Sacks could teach me quite a bit and I would enjoy soaking it all in.  He is a very smart man and I am saddened that he is suffering from terminal cancer.

But I am even more saddened that his only comfort is in numbers and a table of elements thrown together by man.  Really?  Is that all there is to life?  What a depressing thought to near death and only have numbers to cling to.  I too find comfort in numbers, but it pales in comparison to the love and salvation that can only come from a relationship with Jesus Christ!

This got me thinking a bit about how many people inside the church and outside the church cling to their periodic tables.  Yes, I realize that very very few of us have literal periodic tables that we carry around, but most of us turn to something other than Christ for comfort.  It could be alcohol, media, shopping, or shallow fleeting relationships.  True comfort and security is only found in knowing and being known by the Creator and Savior of the universe - the One who holds eternity in His hands.  Do you have a deep personal relationship with Jesus?  Is it a relationship that extends beyond church and reading your Bible?  I love my husband deeply, but I love my Savior even more.  Does your relationship with God transcend all that you say and do?  I hope so.  Because one day we will all find ourselves facing death, and when we do, my only comfort will come from Christ who will hold my hand as I transition from this life into eternity with Him.