I typically do not and probably rarely ever will write about my personal life unless it pertains specifically to my faith. And so tonight, I have a story to share.
About a week ago, Derik and I went to see the doctor and discuss if it would be safe to have another baby. Without going into details, my last delivery was life threatening. We both wanted to have more children, but not to the point of risking death. We waited over an hour past my appointment before we got to see anyone. The nurse took us back to an examining room, which I found odd because we were supposed to be meeting in his office. I think she may have been trying to buy more time. She asked a few questions. I told her I was still nursing and that Ben was 9 months old. Then she asked me to take a pregnancy test. I told her, "no." There was no possible way I could be pregnant. We are VERY careful and use more than one method of birth control. Because, let's face it, I plan things! I despise chaos, we are very busy, and so our lives have to maintain some orderliness. She asked me 5 more times, I emphatically refused.
We waited another 20 minutes and since we had been waiting so long I needed to use the restroom. She caught me on the way in and practically begged me to take a test. What could it hurt? At least she would stop asking me. Shortly afterwords we finally got to meet with Dr. Lee. He had read my operative notes and gone over everything from my last delivery which took place in Grand Rapids. We were discussing why things may have gone wrong, what could go wrong again, and what precautions we would have to take in the future if we decided to have another baby. Then, his phone rang. He seemed flustered and even upset. He is a very by the books man and doesn't appreciate being interrupted during a meeting. Dr. Lee said excuse me and rushed out of the room. About a minute later he came back in, sat down, and we continued where we left off before. As we were wrapping up, I asked one more question. And Dr. Lee said, "I think this is a moot point, because it appears you are pregnant." WHAT!!! I think Derik almost fell off his chair! And quite frankly, I thought they had made a mistake.
We decided to tell people; because after all, no one is really surprised anymore when I get pregnant. It has become more the norm than the exception. After 4 days and a thousand more pregnancy tests, I finally accepted that I was having a baby and we had not planned for it. Financially we aren't ready. I was planning on only working one more year, but now I have to work two. I'm concerned for my body and praying my uterus holds together. Ben is so young, and I am worried he'll have to grow up too fast. Many many other issues raced through my mind. I even thought to myself, maybe I'll miscarry. I have before. Doesn't that sound horrid? What kind of mother thinks, "Oh well, maybe I'll miscarry."?
My attitude, full of valid fears and lacking in love, is not new. I see it often in many teenage moms. Thanks God. Though, not exactly, you seem to have stuck me in a predicament much like a lot of my students face. And here, I've been helping them not really understanding where they are coming from. Now, I make no bones about it. My situation and there situations are much, much different. But my thoughts were probably many of the same thoughts they had - except having a baby for me is not the safest endeavor. And though abortion never came to mind, miscarriage did. Wouldn't it be easier just to lose the baby instead of having to rearrange my life - or even risk losing my life? Yes, yes it would.
EXCEPT - this baby has a definite purpose. As I left the doctor's office, I said to the staff. "This has to be God, because I still can't figure out how it all happened." (No tutorials needed, I just can't figure out how 2 methods BOTH failed.) This little baby God started forming in my womb needed to be born at just the right time in order to fulfill a specific purpose God has for his or her life. This baby was not our idea, but God's. What a special little child! I'm kind of excited to meet him/her! How my love has grown in such a short time. To experience a miscarriage now, would be devastating. And while there are some doctors who would say that an 'early delivery' (yes, that's what they call abortions now) might save me from death during labor or delivery, what kind of mother says, "kill the child save me?" If my only purpose would be to deliver this child into the world so he or she could fulfill a much greater purpose, than so be it. (I hadn't thought about this before, but Francis Chan's mother died giving birth to him. How many people has he led to Christ? Only God knows, but the purpose God has for his life is astounding.)
I'm not really afraid of dying giving birth, but I know it is a possible consequence. I figure God's got it all planned out. I'm more excited to see what He can do in my child's life! And if He grants me many more years to come, which I pray He does, I will be ever grateful, and use that gift to serve Him more. Life is never easy. I never thought I wouldn't want a baby. I never thought I'd be okay with a miscarriage. And yet, in my humanity, that is where I found myself. Thank you God, for pulling me out of that muck! For teaching me about the value of life all over again. For giving me an experience not unlike that of my students whom I love. And for showing me how much higher your thoughts are than mine.
And please God, keep me safe over the next few months. This baby is very precious to me and You and I would be honored if You would allow me to raise him/her for the next 18 years. But as my grandma always said, "Not my will, but Your will be done."
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
That can't be true!
Have you ever read something in the Bible and said those words? Or perhaps said something along the lines of: "God didn't really mean that." "There must be more to the story." "That doesn't seem fair!" "God would never do that." Or even perhaps, more honestly, "I just don't understand."
In Bible classes, Religion classes, Ethics classes, even Logic classes, we're taught the correct answers for so many questions, or at least how to arrive at them. We pile it all into our head, consider them until we think they make sense, and then go about life content with the information we have been handed. Unless you're like me. I hate being told what to do. I despise being told what to believe. And I'm frustrated with all the people who boast about how much they know and understand, because usually brilliant people are more concerned about all they don't know and understand.
To illustrate this further, let me share with you a story about my first year in college. Before I left home, I was a member of the RCA, active in church, and took my faith very seriously. I asked questions, prayed, and talked to others about God and the Bible. But then I went to college. I was happy to be free and on my own.
I made some very unusual decisions as a young Christian woman. I chose not to attend chapel, Bible study, or church. I stayed away from almost everything that had to do with organized religion. Instead of participating in situations where people would tell me: what they believe, what I should believe, what the church believed, etc., I choose to spend hours every night in my bed reading my Bible and praying. I was sick and tired of listening to what humans thought. What I really wanted to know is what GOD thought. What was He saying to me? How does He want me to live? Could I be quiet enough to hear Him speak -to know His thoughts? What was in me that didn't please God? What about all this controversy in the church and other denominations? What was God's take on the world? And who is this adversary that wants me dead! What does it mean to fight a spiritual battle? I sure did talk God's ear off! But I wanted to know! How could I love and worship and serve a God who I didn't know better than myself?
During that process I ran across many scriptures that caught me by surprise. Sometimes, I was enlightened. But often, I was confused. To this day, I still have scriptures I pray about. Here is one that has bothered me for a while:
In Bible classes, Religion classes, Ethics classes, even Logic classes, we're taught the correct answers for so many questions, or at least how to arrive at them. We pile it all into our head, consider them until we think they make sense, and then go about life content with the information we have been handed. Unless you're like me. I hate being told what to do. I despise being told what to believe. And I'm frustrated with all the people who boast about how much they know and understand, because usually brilliant people are more concerned about all they don't know and understand.
To illustrate this further, let me share with you a story about my first year in college. Before I left home, I was a member of the RCA, active in church, and took my faith very seriously. I asked questions, prayed, and talked to others about God and the Bible. But then I went to college. I was happy to be free and on my own.
I made some very unusual decisions as a young Christian woman. I chose not to attend chapel, Bible study, or church. I stayed away from almost everything that had to do with organized religion. Instead of participating in situations where people would tell me: what they believe, what I should believe, what the church believed, etc., I choose to spend hours every night in my bed reading my Bible and praying. I was sick and tired of listening to what humans thought. What I really wanted to know is what GOD thought. What was He saying to me? How does He want me to live? Could I be quiet enough to hear Him speak -to know His thoughts? What was in me that didn't please God? What about all this controversy in the church and other denominations? What was God's take on the world? And who is this adversary that wants me dead! What does it mean to fight a spiritual battle? I sure did talk God's ear off! But I wanted to know! How could I love and worship and serve a God who I didn't know better than myself?
During that process I ran across many scriptures that caught me by surprise. Sometimes, I was enlightened. But often, I was confused. To this day, I still have scriptures I pray about. Here is one that has bothered me for a while:
"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." James 2:10
Really? If you make one mistake you've broken the whole law? That doesn't seem fair! Now, I can give you a lot of arguments as to why that passage doesn't make sense. And I can repeat the arguments explaining why it is true. James even explains in the next few verses what he's getting at. Yada yada yada. I understand the overlying concept that sin is sin and we all need salvation. I've heard the metaphors that say the law is like a chain, and if you break one link, the entire chain is broken. I get all of that, but I never understood it down to my soul until....my baby chewed up a card on the living room floor.
Yes, you heard me correctly. One of my other children had left a deck of cards on an end table. The baby must have knocked them off, picked up only one of them, and proceeded to suck on it and mutilate it beyond use. I caught him in the act and took it away. I gathered up the rest of the cards (which were all shaped like snowmen) and put them back in their case. But there in that moment, I had a conundrum. 51 cards were in perfect condition. The deck looked whole, but I knew it wasn't. There was no possible way for me to fix the slobbery mutilated snowman card. And so I stood there and I thought, what do I do?
I can't make this deck whole again. I can't play with only 51 good cards. My children might not realize one card is gone, but I would know. And no game played with this deck would be a fair game. Should I throw it away? It seems like such a WASTE! And then it hit me, and I almost cried. (If you know me, I don't cry. Well, maybe once a year, but almost never.)
Standing above that garbage can with what looked like a full deck of cards, I realized in that moment what it meant to break one of the laws and actually be guilty of breaking them all. Only one card was ruined, but the entire deck was now useless. My baby had broken the entire deck by breaking only one card. My heart sank at what a terrible sinner I am. I understood - again - why I needed a Savior. And I was overwhelmed with joy that instead of throwing me out, God choose to send his son, Jesus, to make my deck whole again.
There are a lot of people in life, walking around with broken cards. Many think they'll be just fine because it looks like their deck is whole. But the truth is, no one has a full deck. We can't fix the sin in our lives! But the good news is, Jesus can! If we confess our sin, repent, and change our ways, while believing that Jesus is Lord, and accepting His sacrifice on the cross as payment for our sin, then He can enter in, wash us white as snow, and repair the brokenness we did that makes us unfit for His presence.
I apologized to God for being a terrible student. I've struggled with this passage up until a few weeks ago, but I am thankful that He is patient with me. I have always known I was a sinner and needed a Savior. But as I dumped that deck into the garbage, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that will be with me through eternity. What a merciful God! He chose to save me and make me new again instead of throwing me away. It is more than I deserve.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Cheating Again
Well, kind of. Once again, I do not have time to write, so I'm going to reuse an answer asked of me over a year ago. But I think it is a topic everyone has struggled with at some point. Suffering. Why is there so much suffering? Why are there Christians who are poor and outcast? Why do so many people feel alone and abandoned? Isn't Christ supposed to keep us away from all of this? And then, when we find ourselves in the midst of suffering, what is to be our response? (As a side note, this answer was directed to a person who lived in third world poverty. I guess he/she had Internet access though. :)
It never seems fair that some people suffer more than others. There are those who seem to get by in life without trouble and others who can’t seem to escape it. I know that it wasn’t in God’s original plan for any of us to have to face loneliness, rejection, suffering or pain, yet because there is so much evil in the world, we all get a taste of it in different doses.
Jesus knew that we would have trouble. But He is our Hope! He is our Rescuer! He is our Savior! While the world may try to knock you down, don’t fall into that trap. Your value lies in your love for the Lord. If you know Him intimately as your personal Lord and Savior, if you acknowledge that Jesus is the only way of salvation, if you commit your life, your thoughts, and your deeds to serve Him, He promises “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5 and in Deuteronomy 31:6 - “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Even though the world may offer you no hope and tell you that you are helpless, the Lord says that you are His child and no one can take you away from Him! John 10:28-30 “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. 29My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. 30I and the Father are one."
Even though the world may keep you in poverty, tell you that you don’t matter, or aren’t worthy of joy, the Bible says in John 14:1-4 and 25-27, “ 1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going….All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
The devil is a masterful liar. The Bible calls him the father of lies (John 8:44). The devil and the world will tell you all these terrible things about yourself and your situation, but that doesn’t make it true. We don’t live for this world. We live for the Lord and for His return and the days to come. Earth is just a temporary place and we are passing through. True joy and peace and love are on the other side of this life, when we are eternally with the Lord. I know it doesn’t make our days here easier, but it does give us all hope that the sufferings of today are not the sufferings we will experience forever. God WILL rescue you in His time.
Until then, never give up hope. Draw closer to Him. If you don’t know the Lord intimately, take time to get to know Him. Read your Bible. Pray. But please know that living a life for Christ doesn’t mean life will be easy or wonderful. However, the joy of eternal security, of knowing your creator intimately, of having the privilege to talk to Him anywhere anytime and knowing you are never alone, is enough to make it through the dark deep valleys in life. You are not alone in your suffering. David suffered (Psalm 23). Job suffered (Book of Job). Just about every prophet in the Bible suffered! Jesus suffered death on a cross! (Luke 23) Paul suffered again and again. (Book of Acts) I have always said that I never knew anyone who did great things for the Lord who didn’t suffer greatly! Please know that you are never alone in your suffering. God has a purpose and a plan for your life. And even though you may not feel it, Christians do love you. We believe that you are valuable. There are people who care for you and will pray for you. Even though you may not be physically near them, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
A while ago I saw an interview of a man who lived in Haiti, one of the poorest countries in the world. He had no food, 10 children, no job, and only a small hut for everyone to live in. Another man asked him, “If you could have anything in the world, what would you ask for?” The Haitian man replied, “I have all that I need, the Lord Jesus Christ. There is nothing else I could want.” The words of an extremely hungry and poor man, who is often forgotten by the world, have impacted my life far beyond what he will ever know. God has something in store for you too, if you are faithful and willing to obey Him. He can use us in spite of our situations!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Giving In
I like numbers. I dislike writing. And yet, I keep finding myself in the writing realm. So, I'm giving in and starting a blog. I'm not entirely sure why I feel the need to post some of my thoughts, which stem mostly from things God has taught me. Maybe my brain is looking for a break and emptying some of it onto paper will help! Honestly, I don't know. But this is where I find myself, so I'm giving it a go.
I'll write a new post later on, but below is one I wrote on facebook a while ago, and at the very least it will take up some space until I have time to write again.
I'll write a new post later on, but below is one I wrote on facebook a while ago, and at the very least it will take up some space until I have time to write again.
Why is it so difficult to pray?
This was a question recently assigned to me by the web page I write for. For the past 5 days, I really thought about what I should write. As I sat down to compose my response, nothing I previously intended to write about actually made it into the answer. However, I have been asked this question before by a few people, so I thought some might find it interesting.
There could be many reasons people find it difficult to pray. It doesn’t seem that it should be that hard because in essence it is just talking to God. However, unlike talking with other people, God rarely verbally responds. We have instances in the Bible – often with Moses – where God actually speaks out loud. But usually when we pray, we speak and we don’t hear a response. This can be very frustrating, especially when we have a question we want answered.
Yet God in His infinite wisdom knew this would be a struggle and so He left us with His Word. It is a book filled with God’s thoughts, stories, life examples, instruction, and love. The Bible gives us insight concerning God’s character and His will. If we read the Bible and meditate on His Word, we will find it easier to talk to God and find answers to some of our questions.
Maybe this anecdote will help you further understand what I’m trying to say. In college I volunteered at a local church to work with special needs adults. I was assigned to work with a particular middle age man, Herm, who was non-verbal. He could say, ‘hi’ and his name, but that was it. It took a really long time for me to learn to communicate with him. At first, we had very little in common. Herm was twice my age, and I had never met him before. I didn’t know what he liked, I didn’t understand his mannerisms, and I had a very difficult time connecting with him. But over time, we got to know one another. I learned by watching him that Herm was an excellent basketball shooter. He also loved to do puzzles and he certainly preferred some foods over others. The more time I spent with him, the better I was at communicating with him and the more I understood who he was. It is similar with God. It can be very hard communicating with God if we don’t know who He is. But we can get to know him by reading His word. Once we know Him better, it is easier to pray. God does listen and he definitely responds. But He responds in His own way and in His own time, similar to Herm.
The last thing the devil wants for us to do, is to love, serve, and talk with God. So, he will put many things in our way to make it seem more difficult. But never give up. God loves us and longs to talk with us. We can tell him anything – after all, he already knows us better than we know ourselves. And as we get to know Him, we also learn to follow Him.
Jesus said in John 10:3-5, “3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”
Later on he emphasized this again in John 10:27-28, “27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”
Paul also writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “pray continually.”
I have a child who will talk my ear off at home, but when we are in public, she won’t speak to a soul. In a way this mirrors our spiritual life. It is so much easier to talk with a God we know. God wants to be in constant dialog with us, and the better we know Him the more naturally we speak with Him.
This was a question recently assigned to me by the web page I write for. For the past 5 days, I really thought about what I should write. As I sat down to compose my response, nothing I previously intended to write about actually made it into the answer. However, I have been asked this question before by a few people, so I thought some might find it interesting.
There could be many reasons people find it difficult to pray. It doesn’t seem that it should be that hard because in essence it is just talking to God. However, unlike talking with other people, God rarely verbally responds. We have instances in the Bible – often with Moses – where God actually speaks out loud. But usually when we pray, we speak and we don’t hear a response. This can be very frustrating, especially when we have a question we want answered.
Yet God in His infinite wisdom knew this would be a struggle and so He left us with His Word. It is a book filled with God’s thoughts, stories, life examples, instruction, and love. The Bible gives us insight concerning God’s character and His will. If we read the Bible and meditate on His Word, we will find it easier to talk to God and find answers to some of our questions.
Maybe this anecdote will help you further understand what I’m trying to say. In college I volunteered at a local church to work with special needs adults. I was assigned to work with a particular middle age man, Herm, who was non-verbal. He could say, ‘hi’ and his name, but that was it. It took a really long time for me to learn to communicate with him. At first, we had very little in common. Herm was twice my age, and I had never met him before. I didn’t know what he liked, I didn’t understand his mannerisms, and I had a very difficult time connecting with him. But over time, we got to know one another. I learned by watching him that Herm was an excellent basketball shooter. He also loved to do puzzles and he certainly preferred some foods over others. The more time I spent with him, the better I was at communicating with him and the more I understood who he was. It is similar with God. It can be very hard communicating with God if we don’t know who He is. But we can get to know him by reading His word. Once we know Him better, it is easier to pray. God does listen and he definitely responds. But He responds in His own way and in His own time, similar to Herm.
The last thing the devil wants for us to do, is to love, serve, and talk with God. So, he will put many things in our way to make it seem more difficult. But never give up. God loves us and longs to talk with us. We can tell him anything – after all, he already knows us better than we know ourselves. And as we get to know Him, we also learn to follow Him.
Jesus said in John 10:3-5, “3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”
Later on he emphasized this again in John 10:27-28, “27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”
Paul also writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “pray continually.”
I have a child who will talk my ear off at home, but when we are in public, she won’t speak to a soul. In a way this mirrors our spiritual life. It is so much easier to talk with a God we know. God wants to be in constant dialog with us, and the better we know Him the more naturally we speak with Him.
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