Undercover Missions

Before I delve into my chosen topic of the night, I'd like to explain my recent prolonged silence. After losing our last baby, and having a D&C, I was originally diagnosed with Gestational Trophoblastic Disease. However, the pathologist said there seemed to be something different about my slides. Something didn't quite match up, so they sent them on to Johns Hopkins to be analyzed by a doctor who is on the cutting edge of research with patients who exhibit similar symptoms. My hcg was monitored every two days for a few weeks and then weekly for many months. The numbers didn't fall as quickly as they should have and then even began to rise. I was prepared for chemo and a long ordeal with the potential of a hysterectomy. But by the grace of God, Johns Hopkins gave me a different diagnosis, one that is exceptionally rare (or perhaps very rarely diagnosed) and is much less serious. This doesn't explain all of the issues, but it was enough for my doctor to allow me to get pregnant again and hopefully deliver a healthy child before my insurance runs out this summer. And so, I am now almost done with my first trimester, we've seen the heart beat, and things are looking up.

I enjoyed learning a lot more about advanced science and the study of chromosomes during this process. Emotionally, I've experienced miscarriages before, and so, though it was difficult, I completely understand that it is all out of my hands. My doctor and I had many discussions about the complexities of my medical problems and even more so the miracle of life. I greatly appreciated her insight and the few lunches she gave up just to sit and talk with me. During this process, she reawakened my love for science and medicine which I put on the back burner my third year of undergrad. And she very earnestly encouraged me to apply to medical school as a non-traditional student. I thought it was probably a long shot since I've been out of the biological sciences for so long, but after meeting with MSU CHM admissions, I was floored. Never before has God opened a door so wide. I was told my chances of getting in are very good and he asked me to apply early admission! AWESOME! Go God! To be honest, I'm not in yet. I have not applied and still have to take my MCATs. I'm going to take a few years to take some advanced biological science classes so it is all fresh in my mind, allow my young children to get a few years under their belt, and then apply just after my MCATs are finished.

But what does this have to do with undercover missions? Derik and I firmly believe that what we do now will be greatly enhanced as we both become doctors - mental health for him, physical medicine for me. Many of you reading this actually don't know a lot about our family. I know - hard to believe - but we aren't very social! Partly because we don't have much time and hold very busy schedules, but also because we are on a mission. No, we don't do a lot at church. No, I'm not a big shopper and don't have a thing for fashion or home decorating, so I rarely participate in shopping adventures. I actually loathe movies - so that's out too. And Derik works a couple of jobs - counseling combat veterans and teaching for GVSU's grad school. So connecting with others our age, happens only on occasion. You'd be surprised about how many people have come up to us at church and said in not so many words, and sometimes straight out "You should really be more involved in missions!" We just chuckle.

What exactly is missions? Yes, the most obvious answer is - missions consists of missionaries who are sponsored by local churches and go out into other countries to preach the good news. Yup. That's true. I've also been told that missions is taking care of those who are in need in the church. And while I've been the recipient of wonderful meals for a week or two after a baby is born and GREATLY appreciate the help, I'm not exactly convinced that is missions. I'd characterize it more as congregational care - which is important, but not missions. Then there are events sponsored by local churches for the community - most of which require needy people/families to come to a church for food, clothes, services, etc. This may border on missions, but I'd classify it more as community outreach. So what is missions?

Matthew 28:19-20

"¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” "

Mark 2:13-17

¹³ Once again Jesus went out beside the lake. A large crowd came to him, and he began to teach them. ¹⁴ As he walked along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” Jesus told him, and Levi got up and followed him.

¹⁵ While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. ¹⁶ When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

¹⁷ On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

If we use these two references to guide our thoughts on missions, we can determine that the first command is to "go" or in some versions, "go out". So, to truly be a missionary, you need to take a step out of your home and out of your church. Secondly, we are called to reach the sinners - to eat with them, talk with them, and make inroads into their lives. Now, I am in no way advocating going to your local bar to hang out on the weekend to make friends. But it is our family's mission to walk and talk with people that are swamped by sin. They may be addicted to drugs or alcohol. They may be extremely promiscuous and make very poor decisions rearing children. Often they look very different than we do. They aren't necessarily our next door neighbors. They may have a problem with theft and anger. And in almost every single instance, they are all recipients of abuse. Their stories are frequently very sad and filled with horrific experiences beginning in their childhood. And the very last place they want to be is church. The very last thing they want to hear is that a loving God allowed all of this evil to take place in their lives.

In light of this, we have decided to practice undercover missions. Even though I may be very vocal about my faith at church and even online, when my husband and I operate covertly with those who most need Christ, our first objective is to sincerely care, listen, and walk along side of them. As we listen, they listen. As we show them we care, we can then explain why we care. I believe that there is absolutely nothing more that God cares about than a person's soul. He desires for each and every one of the lost to come to know him as Lord and Savior and to truly love Him. So many people are afraid of church traditions. When do I stand up? When do I sit down? What is this new language that they use in services? Will I be rejected if I don't dress correctly? Or what if I accidentally curse as I'm so accustomed to doing? Church can be VERY STRESSFUL for those people who think they have to fit a certain mold. So, for this reason, we generally don't bring anyone to church unless they request it. I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where Jesus went out and recruited people to come to Synagogue. It just isn't there. Instead people are called to acknowledge their sins, repent, and turn from their wicked ways. To understand they need a savior and that the only one who can save their soul is Jesus Christ - God himself.

Missions isn't a onetime event. And success cannot be measured by us. It is God who knows and sees the heart of man. Missions isn't something we do to garner attention. It is something we do out of love for our God and out of love for our lost brothers and sisters. Missions is not a glamorous calling. It is something that will lead you into trailer parks, laundry mats, and even stinky flea infested homes.

I've heard the argument that going into these kinds of places is dangerous - after all we choose not to live there for a reason. Yes, it is true. But my soul is saved! What do I have to lose? Isn't it more dangerous to do nothing and turn a blind eye while their souls rush into hell? Do you not understand what hell is? That it is eternal? We have one opportunity - our life on earth - to commit our life to the Lord and to spread the Good News. That's it. You don't get to go to Heaven and begin missions then! If your child wasn't saved, wouldn't you want to move mountains to reach them and give them the truth? Maybe your children are saved, but not all of God's children are and he desires for not one to be lost!

Now, in all of this, our family is not perfect. We are not professional missionaries, and generally don't even talk about what we do with friends or extended family. But I would encourage you to reconsider your idea of missions. There are many excuses why people don't personally reach out into their communities, but do any of them leverage weight against hell? We recently ran into people who didn't even realize that we have homeless youth in Oceana County. We also have many youth who are the victims of incest. Dad's who rape their daughters regularly and have fathered children with them. Child abuse in this county is out of control! Drug abuse is in the same category. We have elderly who are too proud to ask for help, live very lonely lives, and go hungry and cold far too often. Do you know your neighbors? Okay, you probably know your immediate neighbors, but do you know the people who live in the trailer park down the street - or perhaps the "freak" who constantly walks past your home with nothing to do. Yes, I recently had a student tell me that people yell "freak" at him as he walks by a certain stretch of road. He's different, perhaps dangerous in certain situations, and yet - loved by God. I'm not going the leave my children with him unattended, but I'm not going to turn my back on him either.

Do you not realize that within 15 miles of your home serious evil takes place? The devil is making inroads into the hearts of children. He's searing their souls and claiming them as his own. He's with the elderly on their death beds lying to them - telling them they are unloved and it would be better to die. But hell lies in waiting. We are all called to be undercover missionaries. To speak truth and love into the lives of these people. The devil is not the only one who has a voice. We do too, and even if it may seem to fall on deaf ears, walking along side of the needy, forgotten, broken hearted is never in vain. Your children learn by your example. If you isolate yourself and live in a world full of Christians, abundance, and safety, then what are you teaching your children? We deal with some very interesting people, and yes, it is possible to teach your children to be discerning. Everyone who comes to our door, is not allowed inside. Often, you find Dad and send him out!

Also, I should mention that missions isn't about giving people money or stuff. There are certainly times when we provide warm clothes, food, etc, but often anonymously though other people. It is important to make sure a person's basic needs are met, but it undermines God's purpose in their lives to enable sinful behavior. We're not an ATM machine for our kids or for the poor. Boundaries are crucial when it comes to missions. Establishing boundaries is not only important for the giver, but also for the receiver.

Nevertheless, having a close personal relationship with God and following His leading should always be your guide. Just as we don't parent all of our children the same, we don't interact with every non-Christian in the same fashion. No one is perfect, sometimes we fall flat on our faces in relationships with people - or at least we think we have. But nothing can replace a genuine love for people and a sincere fearfulness for their souls. I admit, I love sinners - the really good sinners! They are so raw and honest. They do what makes them feel good, yet if you get right down to it, most of them hate evil. They've experienced way too much of it in life. My heart yearns for them and my soul pleads for their salvation. I interact much better with them than most Christians.  I really love sinners, but at the same time I hate sin. I tell my students at school that no, I'm not "fun". I haven't done drugs. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't swear. I don't party, and I don't even listen to "cool" music. And once they realize who I am and that I sincerely care about them, it all doesn't really matter anymore. I've had my share of suffering, and I'll share those stories on individual basis. So, I'd encourage you to step out of your home, out of your church and into those places you wouldn't normally go and talk and walk with others who desperately need to know Christ. You don't have to have a lot in common with them. You just have to see them as God sees them.

My Greatest Fear

I've been meaning to write about this for sometime, but given the unforeseen circumstances of the past few weeks, it got put on the back burner.  However, it is finally time to write about something near and dear to my heart.  Money. 

I think a lot about money, about budgeting, debt, and saving.  It seems that most people in this world do too!  I love to get a good deal, and if you’ve ever been to my house and seen my basement storage, you’ll notice that I buy when things are on sale, frequently before I need them.  I used coupons liberally before it was fashionable and I buy my children’s clothes for pennies on the dollar long before they grow into them.  We rarely buy anything at full price and often buy used.  Having said that, my fear is not that we won’t have what we need but that we will have way beyond what we need.

How much money is too much money?  How much stuff is too much stuff?  A long time ago, I learned about the word “mammon,” which was described to me as the love of money and the stuff money can buy.  And since then, I have feared that mammon would find its way into my life and my family.  Almost every night before I go to bed, I lie in bed talking with God, and search my heart for anything that may be usurping His place.  How would I feel if I lost my home and it burned to the ground?  Would I blame God?  Would I feel slighted?  What if my husband and I both lost our jobs and had no way to pay our bills, would my attitude change?  Would I be overwhelmed with anxiety?  What if we only had enough food for today and no way to feed our family tomorrow?  How would the lack of the security of money change who I am? 

In America, we rarely ask ourselves these questions, because even if it all were to happen we have safety nets in place.  Insurance, family, church, food banks, homeless shelters, even hospitals that are required to attend to serious medical needs can save me from those unforeseen circumstances.  So, in whom or what does my security lie?  If I strip it all away, who am I at the core? 

Conversely, what if God chooses to bless me elaborately?  My husband and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to win the lottery.  (Though admittedly, we’d have to start playing first.)  What would we do with all of that money?  Pay our bills, be debt free, tithe, build our new home…many many ideas come to mind.  But what if God called us to give it all away?  Would we?  As he blesses us in new areas, do we spend it as we please, save for the future, or are we willing to acknowledge that nothing is ours?  That everything we have comes from God, and that we are merely caretakers of his possessions for a short time! 

As I consider all of this, I have come to believe that it may be more of a blessing to have little than to have much.  I have said before, and I’ll say it again, probably the greatest curse on earth is to have so much that you never recognize your need for God.   Mammon.  The god of this world has infiltrated the United States with a vengeance, and many aren’t even aware it is here.

Now that I know how dire the situation is for me, how do I impart this knowledge to my children?  A few of the hazards our youth may encounter are easy to recognize.  Secular music and the media are some of the vilest offenders.  But what about the overabundance in America?  Does your child really need a new backpack every year for school?  How much food does he/she expect to be in the house and what if you don’t have food they enjoy?  Are we raising children to expect they will get everything they want and to be upset when they don’t?  How can a child learn the attitude of gratefulness and thankfulness when all they desire is available?  And what is the difference between a want and a need?  Would you dare send your child to school with a half used notebook from last year?  Or do they NEED a brand new one (that they probably won’t up completely again this year)?  If our children become accustomed and expect to maintain a specific level of materialism in their lives, what are we really teaching them about life and about God?

When something goes “wrong”, or rather as you wouldn’t expect it to, do you ask, “Why me?”  You probably would if you felt entitled to have your way!  Just because a parent may have the ability to provide all the comforts and conveniences of life to their children does not mean they should.  Does our God give us everything we ask for?  Certainly not!  Because the world does not revolve around us, it revolves around Him.  His plans are greater, His purposes are holier, and His glory is first and foremost – not ours.  If mammon is not addressed in the lives of our children at a young age, why would we think that they would naturally love and serve God?  Wouldn’t it be more natural to run after mammon than Christ?  I’m not advocating that we deprive our children, but I am suggesting that we pay a lot more attention to the role of money and things in our lives and in our families - and that we redefine what it means to be “deprived!”

Truth be told, I disagree with my parents concerning many areas of my upbringing.  However, I am eternally grateful for some of the crucial lessons my mother taught me.  I was taught that I don’t get everything I ask for.  I was not allowed to decide how to spend all of my OWN hard earned money, and I was expected to obey - not because I’ll get a reward but because I am a child and that’s what children do.  I abhorred these lessons!  Many of my peers had designer clothes, but I rarely did.  I started working full time during the summers at 12 years old, and I desired to spend my money on stuff I wanted, but I was forced to save and tithe.  Even though I earned that money, I was informed that it was not mine to begin with.  And I can’t remember a single time when my mother bribed me to obey.  In fact, the expectation was to obey, and if I didn’t, it was a swift hand to the rear.  I am thankful for these lessons now, because without them, my attitude and my faith would be very different!  

The very beginning of faith, lies in the belief that we are sinners, worthy of nothing, and in need of a Savior.  But if we believe, or even worse, teach our children that we are good and deserve to have good things, we risk alienating them from Christ.  What God created was good!  And he does love us!  But sin entered in and messed up the perfection of creation.  Without Him, we are nothing.  We need Him.  Our lives are to be focused on and around Him.  Everything we have is His and He decides when we’re born and when we die, what we are to keep and what we are to give away.  He desires perfect obedience from us, not because He wants to hamper our joy, but because He desires for everyone to be saved – and we are to share in that goal and obey his leading.  Strangely, as we let go of our love for the things of this world and fall more deeply in love with Christ, He tends to bless us beyond what we imagined.  When we let go of mammon, He can trust us to distribute it as He pleases.  God never wants to be second to anything in our lives.  And if the love of money and materialism has a grip on your heart, life can become exceedingly difficult.  God is not satisfied with His creation worshiping creation.  We are only to worship Him. 

No matter how much or how little we have, that love for stuff can hold a heavy grip on our hearts and our children.  It is no wonder Jesus talked about this by saying, “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)  How many of us are rich in America?  All of us.  Not a single person can get through life without addressing this issue.  It doesn’t matter if you tithe, if you donate to good causes, if you work hard for your money, if you have a million dollars or only a dollar to your name, mammon wants your soul.  “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (Matthew 6:24)

Why Me?

I ask myself this question a lot.  While only about a handful of people truly know what I've been through in my short life, many have heard a smidgen and could understand why I ask it.  Today, as my doctor prepared me for the worst case scenario, which I didn't even realize was a possibility, I asked myself, "Why me?" again. 

Why Lord, have you blessed me with 4 beautiful children and a husband who loves me?  Why have you rescued me out of disastrous health situations and restored me completely?  Why have you blessed us financially beyond what we deserve?  Why do you forgive me over and over again when I commit egregious sins?  Why me?  Why have you chosen to rescue, restore, heal, love, and talk with me?

Our world is so shockingly evil.  Sin is promoted on television, in schools, magazines, and sadly even some churches.  We hear about the evil crimes of humanity on the news.  Watching the Jacyee Dugard story is evidence of how wicked our society is becoming.  Sin and evil are everywhere.  So, I expect to be hit by the consequences of sin time and time again.  It is a miracle that all of us aren't constantly bombarded with sickness, pain, suffering, and torment.  Actually, let me rephrase that, it is only by the grace of God that he prevents some of it in our lives.

And so, when God does intervene with his divine protection and restoration, I ask, "Why me?"  There is always a reason, even if I am not privy to it.  I am completely and utterly indebted to my God.  He has a plan and purpose for my life.  And though I have some idea of what he is calling me to do in this world, I'm not always sure what path I'll be taking.  When another twist or turn comes into play, when I find myself dealing with another unpleasant situation, I may be surprised, but He never is.

I suppose before I consider why does God rescue me, maybe I should touch on the question of why doesn’t God always rescue us quickly or in the manner we desire?  Chris Tiegreen writes on pg. 195 of his book, Walk With God, "We'd like to think that in our resistance against the enemy, God is our refuge.  He is, but not in the way we think....We like to think that God exists for our benefit, that He's a heavenly wish-granter and need-full-filler.  And while He has committed to grant us our heart's desires...His actions are not guided primarily by the welfare of man.  His actions are guided first by the glory of His name.  And in this case [concerning Job], the glory of His name called for a demonstration."

Interesting.  A life full of suffering and rescue allows God to display his glory to me and others!  And so, I have resolved to never suffer in vain!  If I would never suffer, I would never be able to help those who do!  It has been my observation that many Christians believe that because we are special, because God has saved us, life is supposed to be a bit easier.  We shouldn't have to endure what others endure...unless of course we decide to be missionaries in a third world country.  Being comfortable is the ultimate goal.  However, that doesn't resonate at all with my spirit.  Comfortable ministry is an oxymoron.  What does the Bible say? 

      

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 " ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

True comfort comes from the Lord, from the security of salvation, and from the omnipotence of God and his ability to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.  I admire those Christians who live a life of ministry.  Who reach out to the poor and needy.  Who go into "dangerous" dirty places in their own hometowns.  Who aren't afraid to share the Good News and show kindness to the "dregs of society."  I love the quiet Christians that go about the work of Christ unbeknown to the church.  Who live in those uncomfortable situations solely for the Glory of God!  Those people are His hands and feet!  I wish I could say that most of the Christians I know are like this, but sadly I can only name a handful.

A church event may be a comfortable way to reach out to the community, but is that what we are called to do?  Or as individuals and families should we be seeking out those who need the Lord? Shouldn't we be putting ourselves in places to have one-on-one encounters full of love and provision with a lice laden children who have little to eat and mothers addicted to drugs to hide their pain?  Or if that is too uncomfortable, what about making it your mission to visit a local assisted living home and minister to those who may be lonely and nearing the end of their lives?  What?  You have kids?  You can't go into those places?  Why not?  Children can learn from even a young age how to effectively impact the Kingdom of God!  

1 Peter 5:8 reads, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  And so, if my adversary is seeking out to destroy souls, shouldn't I be as vigilant and determined in my mission to lead them to Christ?  If not me, then who?

We all suffer - some of us more than others.  But I will never have a pity party.  Everything God has taken me through has allowed me to reach into another part of this world and touch lives for the sake of God's glory.  Why me?  Why has He rescued me?  Because He loves this world and desires for no one to be lost.  

2 Peter 3: 9 "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

Why me?  Why did he choose to save me?  And why does he keep saving me?  Because He has called me to do His will and not my own.  This is a bit out of context, but the message still holds true, and it resonates through me daily.  1 Corinthians 6:19b-20a "You are not your own; you were bought at a price."

And so, as the Lord does for me, I am called to do for others.  And with every rescue, I become more determined.

Bittersweet Holidays

It is that time of year again, the 4^th of July!  I have many great memories of this holiday spent with my Gramma and Grampa Newkirk (yes, I know I spelled their names wrong, but that is how they wanted them spelled).  In fact almost all of the memories I treasure are those with my grandparents.  I would go to their house on any and every opportunity.  As holidays roll around like the 4^th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, they seem to be an unkind reminder of how my grandparents aren’t with me anymore.  I used to talk to them every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Every time I went to Ludington, I was sure to stop.  When I had a problem, they were always there to listen and give advice.  When I was bored, I could always call and listen to Grampa’s stories.  Daily I am reminded of the void I have in my life.  Never a day goes by that I don’t notice.

However, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will see them again.  I used to talk about it with Grampa after Gramma died.  There is so much comfort in having family members who love the Lord with their whole being and who serve Him first and foremost because we are guaranteed to be with them and our Lord and Savior, for all eternity.  It isn’t the end; it is only a long wait until we are reunited.  Because of this, I have joy even in the midst of sorrow.

Unfortunately, I don’t have certainty of reuniting with all of my family or friends.  In fact, I am confident that only a handful of people I know, I will see again hereafter.  Be assured, I would never judge a person’s salvation.  That is never my place, but it is disconcerting when people who profess to be on their way to Heaven have very little knowledge of the Word or of the Lord.  How can they be sure they will make it?

I have friends and family who are wonderful people.  They are honest, hard working, kind, loyal, loving, and trustworthy.  Many proclaim to believe Jesus died for their sins.  But sadly that is often where it begins and ends.   James 2:19 addresses belief and belief alone.  Even the demons believe in Jesus!  They all know who He is and what He did, but none of them will share in His kingdom!   Upon death, where you spend eternity is sealed.  It is either with the Lord or without the Lord.  Luke 16:26 speaks of a great chasm between Heaven and Hell that nobody can cross.  No one wonders about the truth after death, they only rejoice or lament about the decisions they made before they breathed their last breath.
 

Strangely, Jesus said some of them will even be surprised that they don’t find themselves in Heaven!  Unfortunately, a lot of people are in this boat. Matthew 7:14 reads, “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”  Matthew 7:21-23 says, “²¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” 

When most people believe they are going to Heaven, and the Bible says most are not, what is missing?  I am very concerned for those I love – especially my family.  I know I’ll be in Heaven with my grandparents, but I’m concerned about my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my children,  my unborn grandchildren, and my dear friends.  I’m also concerned about humanity in general.  I’m convinced that we do not understand what is really at stake!  Hell and Heaven are very different places!  We don’t all go to Heaven, and many who profess to be Christians don’t go to Heaven.  So what is missing? Love.

You disagree?  I know it to be true.  Those who love the Lord will be with Him for all eternity.  Knowing the Lord, obeying the Lord, praying to God, are all fine and dandy, and actually quite important, but they will get you nowhere if you don’t love Him.  Knowing, obeying, talking, seeking, listening, reading the Bible are things that come naturally when you love Him.  To many, Jesus is no more important than Abraham or Noah.  Sure, they all have great stories.  God saved Noah on a boat and humanity continued on.  Abraham was called by God to rescue Israel from the Egyptians and proclaim the name of the Lord.  Jesus was sent by God to die on the cross for our sins.  This Jesus who people know only as a matter of belief will no more save you than Abraham, Noah, or George Washington.  But when God is your Father, Jesus is your Savior, and the Holy Spirit is your strength.  When you talk with the Lord and abide in Him.  When you can’t wait to read your Bible because it is the letter of love God wrote to you.  When He is the first on your mind in the morning and the last on your mind before bed.  When all that you do, you strive to please Him.  Only then, can you be assured of salvation.  No one can steal the gift of life.  You can’t take something from God that doesn’t belong to you, but when you understand the depravity of your sin, your need for a savior, and accept Jesus as the atoning sacrifice for your sin, when you repent of even the smallest of sin, and live each moment in obedience to Christ because you love Him, then you understand what it means to be free.

As a side note, I would like to talk more about reading the Bible.  I have too many friends who are young parents currently fighting cancer, and all of them have been diagnosed as stage 4 in the various organs of their bodies.  I don’t understand!  It bothers me!  Often I have put myself in their shoes, what would I do?  One of the things I know I would most certainly start is writing letters to my children.  I would want to impart to them everything I could if the Lord chose to take me home early.  And even though, I’m not God, I would have a lot to say!  I would tell them about when they were born, what they did as they began to grow up, what kinds of things awaited them in their teenage years.  I would talk to them about peer pressure, alcohol, dating, eating, money, how I wanted them to behave, consequences and rewards, and on and on.  But I would also tell them about how much I loved them – over and over again!  I would tell them how I expected to see them again in Heaven and how to get there and that I’d be waiting for them!  I would tell them that it wasn’t enough to keep this information to themselves but to teach it to their children and to teach their children to teach it to their children!   And also to spread the news to all who would listen.  If I, as a mother, would do that for my children, how much more has God done for us?  I am dumbfounded by the majority of Christians who say they love the Lord, but rarely crack their Bibles!  If my Gramma or Grampa left me such a precious treasure, I’d be in it every day.  As it is, their stories, their voices, their touch, and their memories play through my mind daily.  How much more should the Word of God be in my mind!  The creator of the universe carefully formed us, gave us life, sent his only Son to redeem us, gave us his Word, and then sent the Holy Spirit to dwell within us.  Wow.  Why would we not relish in His love and give it in return?  How could we “forget” to read our Bibles?  That just doesn’t make sense!  Reading the Bible is not an activity of punishment, but one of great joy!  It is something we long to do when we love the Lord!

And so, that brings me back to my great concern.  I want to be with all my friends and family in Heaven someday!  It isn’t enough to just believe.  You can’t take salvation from God, you can only receive it when you become His child.  All of these church activities, Bible studies, praying, believing in the history of Jesus, or even worse knowing the truth and not living it, will not get you to Heaven.  If you do not LOVE the Lord you will not be with Him in eternity.  There is no other way. 

As my son said to me before he left for camp, “Mom, I want to know God like I know my Dad.”  It brought tears to my eyes.  That’s the key!  It isn’t enough to know about Him – it is all about the relationship!  If you don’t “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength (Deuteronomy 6:5)” then please, please, please take the time to re-evaluate your life.  Life on earth without Jesus may be bearable, but life hereafter without Him is not.

Not What We Expected

I typically do not and probably rarely ever will write about my personal life unless it pertains specifically to my faith.  And so tonight, I have a story to share.

About a week ago, Derik and I went to see the doctor and discuss if it would be safe to have another baby.  Without going into details, my last delivery was life threatening.  We both wanted to have more children, but not to the point of risking death.  We waited over an hour past my appointment before we got to see anyone.  The nurse took us back to an examining room, which I found odd because we were supposed to be meeting in his office.  I think she may have been trying to buy more time.  She asked a few questions.  I told her I was still nursing and that Ben was 9 months old.  Then she asked me to take a pregnancy test.  I told her, "no."  There was no possible way I could be pregnant.  We are VERY careful and use more than one method of birth control.  Because, let's face it, I plan things!  I despise chaos, we are very busy, and so our lives have to maintain some orderliness.  She asked me 5 more times, I emphatically refused.

We waited another 20 minutes and since we had been waiting so long I needed to use the restroom.  She caught me on the way in and practically begged me to take a test.  What could it hurt?  At least she would stop asking me.  Shortly afterwords we finally got to meet with Dr. Lee.  He had read my operative notes and gone over everything from my last delivery which took place in Grand Rapids.  We were discussing why things may have gone wrong, what could go wrong again, and what precautions we would have to take in the future if we decided to have another baby.  Then, his phone rang.  He seemed flustered and even upset.  He is a very by the books man and doesn't appreciate being interrupted during a meeting.  Dr. Lee said excuse me and rushed out of the room.  About a minute later he came back in, sat down, and we continued where we left off before.  As we were wrapping up, I asked one more question.  And Dr. Lee said, "I think this is a moot point, because it appears you are pregnant."  WHAT!!!  I think Derik almost fell off his chair!  And quite frankly, I thought they had made a mistake.

We decided to tell people; because after all, no one is really surprised anymore when I get pregnant.  It has become more the norm than the exception.  After 4 days and a thousand more pregnancy tests, I finally accepted that I was having a baby and we had not planned for it.  Financially we aren't ready. I was planning on only working one more year, but now I have to work two.  I'm concerned for my body and praying my uterus holds together.  Ben is so young, and I am worried he'll have to grow up too fast.  Many many other issues raced through my mind.  I even thought to myself, maybe I'll miscarry.  I have before.  Doesn't that sound horrid?  What kind of mother thinks, "Oh well, maybe I'll miscarry."?

My attitude, full of valid fears and lacking in love, is not new.  I see it often in many teenage moms.  Thanks God.  Though, not exactly, you seem to have stuck me in a predicament much like a lot of my students face.  And here, I've been helping them not really understanding where they are coming from.  Now, I make no bones about it.  My situation and there situations are much, much different.  But my thoughts were probably many of the same thoughts they had - except having a baby for me is not the safest endeavor.  And though abortion never came to mind, miscarriage did.  Wouldn't it be easier just to lose the baby instead of having to rearrange my life - or even risk losing my life?  Yes, yes it would.

EXCEPT - this baby has a definite purpose.  As I left the doctor's office, I said to the staff.  "This has to be God, because I still can't figure out how it all happened." (No tutorials needed, I just can't figure out how 2 methods BOTH failed.)  This little baby God started forming in my womb needed to be born at just the right time in order to fulfill a specific purpose God has for his or her life.  This baby was not our idea, but God's.  What a special little child!  I'm kind of excited to meet him/her!  How my love has grown in such a short time.  To experience a miscarriage now, would be devastating.  And while there are some doctors who would say that an 'early delivery' (yes, that's what they call abortions now) might save me from death during labor or delivery, what kind of mother says, "kill the child save me?"  If my only purpose would be to deliver this child into the world so he or she could fulfill a much greater purpose, than so be it. (I hadn't thought about this before, but Francis Chan's mother died giving birth to him.  How many people has he led to Christ?  Only God knows, but the purpose God has for his life is astounding.) 

I'm not really afraid of dying giving birth, but I know it is a possible consequence.  I figure God's got it all planned out.  I'm more excited to see what He can do in my child's life!  And if He grants me many more years to come, which I pray He does, I will be ever grateful, and use that gift to serve Him more.  Life is never easy.  I never thought I wouldn't want a baby.  I never thought I'd be okay with a miscarriage.  And yet, in my humanity, that is where I found myself.  Thank you God, for pulling me out of that muck!  For teaching me about the value of life all over again.  For giving me an experience not unlike that of my students whom I love.  And for showing me how much higher your thoughts are than mine.

And please God, keep me safe over the next few months.  This baby is very precious to me and You and I would be honored if You would allow me to raise him/her for the next 18 years.  But as my grandma always said, "Not my will, but Your will be done."

That can't be true!

Have you ever read something in the Bible and said those words?  Or perhaps said something along the lines of: "God didn't really mean that."  "There must be more to the story."  "That doesn't seem fair!"  "God would never do that."  Or even perhaps, more honestly, "I just don't understand."

In Bible classes, Religion classes, Ethics classes, even Logic classes, we're taught the correct answers for so many questions, or at least how to arrive at them.  We pile it all into our head, consider them until we think they make sense, and then go about life content with the information we have been handed.  Unless you're like me.  I hate being told what to do.  I despise being told what to believe.  And I'm frustrated with all the people who boast about how much they know and understand, because usually brilliant people are more concerned about all they don't know and understand.

To illustrate this further, let me share with you a story about my first year in college.  Before I left home, I was a member of the RCA, active in church, and took my faith very seriously.  I asked questions, prayed, and talked to others about God and the Bible.  But then I went to college. I was happy to be free and on my own.

I  made some very unusual decisions as a young Christian woman.  I chose not to attend chapel, Bible study, or church.  I stayed away from almost everything that had to do with organized religion.  Instead of participating in situations where people would tell me: what they believe, what I should believe, what the church believed, etc., I choose to spend hours every night in my bed reading my Bible and praying.  I was sick and tired of listening to what humans thought.  What I really wanted to know is what GOD thought.  What was He saying to me?  How does He want me to live?  Could I be quiet enough to hear Him speak -to know His thoughts?  What was in me that didn't please God?  What about all this controversy in the church and other denominations?  What was God's take on the world?  And who is this adversary that wants me dead!  What does it mean to fight a spiritual battle?  I sure did talk God's ear off!  But I wanted to know!  How could I love and worship and serve a God who I didn't know better than myself?

During that process I ran across many scriptures that caught me by surprise.  Sometimes, I was enlightened.  But often, I was confused.  To this day, I still have scriptures I pray about.  Here is one that has bothered me for a while:  

"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." James 2:10

Really?  If you make one mistake you've broken the whole law?  That doesn't seem fair!  Now, I can give you a lot of arguments as to why that passage doesn't make sense.  And I can repeat the arguments explaining why it is true.  James even explains in the next few verses what he's getting at.  Yada yada yada.  I understand the overlying concept that sin is sin and we all need salvation.  I've heard the metaphors that say the law is like a chain, and if you break one link, the entire chain is broken.  I get all of that, but I never understood it down to my soul until....my baby chewed up a card on the living room floor.

Yes, you heard me correctly.  One of my other children had left a deck of cards on an end table.   The baby must have knocked them off, picked up only one of them, and proceeded to suck on it and mutilate it beyond use.  I caught him in the act and took it away.  I gathered up the rest of the cards (which were all shaped like snowmen) and put them back in their case.  But there in that moment, I had a conundrum.  51 cards were in perfect condition.  The deck looked whole, but I knew it wasn't.  There was no possible way for me to fix the slobbery mutilated snowman card.  And so I stood there and I thought, what do I do?

I can't make this deck whole again.  I can't play with only 51 good cards.  My children might not realize one card is gone, but I would know.  And no game played with this deck would be a fair game.  Should I throw it away?  It seems like such a WASTE!  And then it hit me, and I almost cried.  (If you know me, I don't cry.  Well, maybe once a year, but almost never.)

Standing above that garbage can with what looked like a full deck of cards, I realized in that moment what it meant to break one of the laws and actually be guilty of breaking them all.  Only one card was ruined, but the entire deck was now useless.  My baby had broken the entire deck by breaking only one card.  My heart sank at what a terrible sinner I am.  I understood - again - why I needed a Savior.  And I was overwhelmed with joy that instead of throwing me out, God choose to send his son, Jesus, to make my deck whole again.

There are a lot of people in life, walking around with broken cards.  Many think they'll be just fine because it looks like their deck is whole.  But the truth is, no one has a full deck.  We can't fix the sin in our lives!  But the good news is, Jesus can!  If we confess our sin, repent, and change our ways, while believing that Jesus is Lord, and accepting His sacrifice on the cross as payment for our sin, then He can enter in, wash us white as snow, and repair the brokenness we did that makes us unfit for His presence.

I apologized to God for being a terrible student.  I've struggled with this passage up until a few weeks ago, but I am thankful that He is patient with me.  I have always known I was a sinner and needed a Savior.  But as I dumped that deck into the garbage, I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that will be with me through eternity.  What a merciful God!  He chose to save me and make me new again instead of throwing me away. It is more than I deserve.