Will You Go Out With Me?

I remember the first time a boy asked me this question.  I was in 6^th grade and he passed me a note in science class.  It read, “Will you go out with me?  Circle one.   Yes  No  Maybe”  I was so excited!  A boy liked me!  But then I realized there was a problem.  I didn’t like him.  I circled “maybe,” because I wanted to cling to the idea that a boy liked me and yet reserve my right to not like him back.   Yes, I was a messed up middle school girl.  And as I think back, those years do not conjure up a lot of fond memories.  There was a lot of pressure to “go out” with someone not only from my friends but also from within myself.  The pressure I felt pales in comparison to the pressure kids feel today.  I grew up in the days when social media was unheard of and cell phones were hardly ever portrayed in a movie, and even then, I wasn’t convinced phones without cords were real.  Now, children rarely escape the pressure when they go home from school.  Instead they get to live it all over again via facebook, twitter, instagram, or other forms of social media.

Fast forward to today, and I have a middle schooler of my own.  He’s pretty good looking and respectful.  Consequently girls go after him like bees to honey.  He can’t even accompany me to the grocery store without anonymous girls following us, giggling, and snapping his picture on their phones.  The pressure for him to “go out” with a girl is far greater than it ever was for me to date a boy at his age.  The truth is, he likes girls – not necessarily the ones harassing him – but girls in general.  He also wants to fit in, and isn’t especially thrilled when his male friends teasingly call him “gay” because he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Truth be told, I didn’t entirely see this coming.  I knew there would be some pressure, but not the extreme pressure he feels at times.  However, it has helped that we’ve clearly established “dating guidelines” in our home and started talking about them at age 9.   

Guidelines We Emphasize In Our Home

1)      Girls are valuable people made by God to be treasured.  Their hearts are tender and some girls give their hearts away not knowing how painfully they can be hurt.  Never intentionally accept a girl’s heart if you can’t promise to protect it. 

2)      Dating is not the method we use to learn about ourselves, meet a new girl, or experiment physically.  Dating in no way is supposed to fulfill our lustful desires.  Using another person to get what you want is a sin. 

3)      The purpose of dating, or courting, is to determine if a girl, who you already know and like, is marriage material.  Could you spend the rest of your life with this one person?  If you already know you could not, walk the other way. 

4)      If you are not old enough to get married, you are not old enough to date.  Socially going out with friends, boys and girls in a group, is absolutely fine.  But forming a deep intimate relationship with a girl before you can actually commit to her in marriage could potentially lead to problems. 

I understand our family’s dating perspective is abnormal.  I know there are a few high school sweethearts who have been married for a very long time, and I do not doubt that good relationships can occasionally be formed during the high school years.  And to the surprise of some, we aren’t necessarily opposed to young people getting married soon after high school.  But the hearts of my son and future daughter-in-law are very precious.  Does that mean these guidelines will prevent them from heart ache?  No.  But some heart ache can be prevented.  No 11 year old needs a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  In fact, very few 16 year olds are even capable of having a God honoring romantic relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

I have taught in secondary education for a very long time and witnessed the heart ache and drama that occurs between teenagers “in love.”  Those relationships are highly emotional and can impact their lives in very negative ways, especially when conflict creeps in.  Very few teenagers understand what love is, and most are only in relationships to get what they want out of them.  A good marriage relationship is the opposite of the typical high school relationship.  Loving your spouse isn’t about getting what you want, but about putting your spouse’s interests before your own.  A good marriage is a sacrificial marriage. 

There are no guarantees in life, but teaching my son to pursue God honoring relationships before marriage helps to set him up for a successful marriage.  It may not alleviate the peer pressure at school, or keep the girls away, but it does help him to understand what kind of husband he should be and to seriously consider what kind of woman he should look for to be his wife.

1 Corinthians 10:31-32a “So eat and drink and do everything else for the glory of God.  Don’t do anything that causes another person to trip and fall.”

Lying on the Kitchen Floor

Through an unfortunate series of events, I found myself lying on my back on the kitchen floor.  I was not feeling well and I truly had no desire to move at that moment.  As could be expected, the children who were home were concerned.  Here are their following responses.

Gabe (8): "Mom.  Get off the floor.  If you don't feel well you need to be on the couch!"

Susie (7): "Mama, do you need anything?  Are you okay?  Do you want me to help you up?  I'll help you.  What do you need?"

Ben (5): "I don't like you on the floor.  Why are you on the floor?  You should get up.  Do you want me to get your cane?"

Joshua (2): Overhearing his brother, runs into the bedroom and grabs the cane.  Comes back into the kitchen and throws it at me.  Thanks, Josh.

Annie (3): Our quiet little one didn't say a word.  Instead she went and got a blanket and laid it over me.  Then she went to her bedroom, got her blanket, lay down beside me, and gave me a kiss.

All of these children love me.  They all want me well.  But they all had very different reactions.  This got me to thinking:
   

How do we show love to the lost people in this world?

Do we demand that they change their location and set foot in the church as though physically being in church will solve their problems?

Do we verbally offer help over and over again as though it is our words and good intentions that heal?

Do we throw relevant scriptures and verses their way as though randomly flung verses will save their souls?

Or do we go to the lost and love them where they are at?

Led by the Holy Spirit, I learn a lot from my children.  Not one of them wanted me to be on the kitchen floor.  And truthfully, the floor was not my ultimate goal.  But at that moment, it is where I was and I wasn't moving.  Instead of convincing or forcing me to move, Annie was the only one who showed me deep love where I was at.  I didn't stay on the floor eternally.  In an hour or so, I was up and on the couch, and after some time, I was up and walking around.

(Photo taken weeks after the incident! :)

And so it is with the lost.  No one truly desires to stay lost.  Everyone wants to be known and loved by the Creator.  But the only way to truly lead people to Christ is to show them Christ's love in a deep and personal way right where they are at.  And through love, they will find their way off the kitchen floor onto the couch, and eventually they'll be on their own two feet following Christ.

And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.”

Luke 5:30 

Be Like You

I'm not feeling very well right now and my children are noticing.  The other night as I prayed with Susie and tucked her in, she said, "Mama, can I pray for you?"  It melted my heart.  "Of course you can pray for me, Susie.  I would love that."

And so she began: "Dear Jesus, please help my Mom.  She isn't feeling well.  Could you make her be just like me?  Well, except for my rash.  And don't give her the ouchy dry skin on my hands or the hangnails on my fingers.  Actually God, you probably shouldn't make her like me.  Could you make her be like You?"

Yes, God, could you make me be like You?  My daughter couldn't have said it better.  That is my heart's desire, to be like You.

However, Susie made the mistake that many of us in the church often make.  How many times have we looked at other people and sized ourselves up against them?  I may not be as skinny or as muscular as so and so.  Or I may not pray as well as so and so.  We don't have as much money as that family over there or I can't sing as well as the people leading worship.  We get so focused on our abilities and characteristics and other people's abilities and characteristics that we completely lose sight of what being a Christian is all about.  It isn't about comparing one sinner to another.  As Susie learned during her prayer, we are all very flawed.  Trying to be like someone else doesn't make us better and it doesn't fix our problems.

Jesus clearly explains in Luke 18:10-14 that while we like to place some sort of hierarchy on sinners, there is no such thing.  We all fail.  We all fall short.  And no one is able to perfectly keep the law - not the Pharisee (knowledgeable famous pastor) or the Tax Collector (guy who forcibly takes other people's money for a living and isn't well liked).

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector

 

“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

There are many people in the church who seem to have it all together and many others who may think to themselves, "If only I could be like those 'super Christians' over there!"  But the truth is not one of us is good.  (Romans 3:10-12)  We are all so far from good that no one has the right to be haughty and no one else should be upholding another person as the standard for their life.  Our standard is Christ.  No other sinner is my role model.  We are all flawed.  Yes, we can learn from one another.  We can help one another.  We can comfort and teach one another.  But I don't want to be like Susie, and I don't want Susie to be like me.  I'm grateful that my 7 year old daughter quickly learned the error of her ways while she was praying.  Because if she prayed for me to be like her, I wouldn't necessarily be better.  I would just have a different set of problems.  The only way I would be truly well is to be like Christ. So that is what she prayed, and I'm thankful that she did.  I'm also grateful that God took that moment to teach us all the truth about who we are and who He is.  We need a good and perfect God to show us the way.  May we all strive to be like Him.

Conversations with My Teenager - I'm 13 and I know everything!

I have an absolutely wonderful teenager, Isaac.  He's gifted academically, athletically, and musically.  He knows how to be kind and responsible.  He knows how to respect authority and keep his word.  He can care for younger siblings and complete household tasks without any help.  Unfortunately, even though he's exceptionally gifted and knowledgeable, he is not without flaws.  By their nature, the teenage years present a number of difficult challenges.  Very few teenagers are immune from these problems and some suffer from them well into adult hood.  However, as I explained to my oldest, "My job as a mother did not stop at 12.  Actually my job morphs with age (your age) and if I don't do my job to the best of my ability, it will make your life harder, not easier.  Beyond that, I'm accountable to Christ for how I raise you, and I intend to always do what He wants me to do."

In normal teenage fashion, this statement was not well received.  But he's learned to obey and sit through my talking, so he passively listened to me first describe the current problem and then how it needed to be resolved.

Today's topic at hand was:  I'm 13 and I know everything!

Why do teenagers think they know everything?  Well, because in their worlds, they actually do.  Just think about everything they've accomplished in 12 measly years!  Most 12 year olds are potty trained, can dress themselves, read, write, and use a variety of forms of technology.  Many stay home alone and can cook for themselves.  Our teenager knows how to change diapers and care for sick children.  He does his own laundry, cleans bathrooms, and is even learning how to drive (on private roads).  Truly, he's already accomplished what most adults need to know in order to survive.  And he does it all well.  In fact, he has learned everything he physically needs to know in order to stay alive on his own without my help. Because of this, I consider him to be 'graduated from childhood.'  Perhaps I should have thrown a party, but I didn't.  Instead I just wandered into the teenage years with him, so he was confused.  What exactly are these teenage years for when you've already learned everything you need to know?  Good Question!  I'm glad he asked - actually he didn't ask.  But I presumed he did, so I went on to explain the teenage years in a way that he would understand.

In elementary school, students learn how to add, subtract, multiply, divide, and manipulate numbers in a basic fashion.  And unless someone tells them there is much more to the world of mathematics, most 5th graders are content with their mathematical knowledge and consider themselves to know enough to get by in the world.  (In fact, I might argue that most high school grads have about a 5th grade math education...but that is beside the point.)  Isaac found this idea to be ludicrous because he's a 7th grader already taking high school mathematics and understands that there are many more abstract concepts which elementary students know nothing about and that the world of mathematics is far broader than any of us understand.  In fact, it is infinite.  No one will ever know everything there is to know about math.  So, wouldn't it seem preposterous for a 5th grader to saunter into a Calc I class and declare that they already know everything that is going to be taught?  Isaac chuckled, because he understood this concept.  How embarrassing it would be for an ignorant child to proclaim that they understood concepts far beyond their current capabilities!  And so it is with teenagers.

The teenage years have little to do with learning how to do the dishes or laundry.  Certainly some teenagers have more childhood learning to do, but for those who have been well prepared, what exactly are those teenage years for?  Spiritual growth.  As a child you learn how to psychically survive; as a teenager, you learn how to spiritually survive.   Most teenagers have low spiritual intelligence.  Sure, some pray regularly and read their Bibles, but they are just now learning how to apply spiritual principles to their every day lives and it is a very hard thing to do without any guidance.  My job as a mother is to potty train my 2-year old and spiritually train my teenager.  So, together, Isaac and I will walk down the road of reading the Bible and learning how to understand scripture.  He will patiently learn to submit his will to his Father's will and understand that life isn't about doing what Mom and Dad say, but rather what God says.  He will learn that the pleasures of this world are very tempting, but nothing compares to an eternity with Christ.  Once he has decided in his mind and heart to submit to God in all things, all the time, no matter the circumstances, then he will have graduated from the teenage years.

I then posed this question to him, "What would a good mother do, if a toddler consistently reaches for a hot stove in spite of his mother's warnings?"  He responded, "Slap his hand away so that he doesn't get burned."  Exactly.  The slap to the hand is far less painful than a third degree burn.  And so, my beloved teenager, when you reach for a spiritual hot stove and harbor pride in your heart or cling to the ways of this world, consequences will follow.  Because the consequences I impose are far less painful than eternal consequences that come straight from God Himself.  And that is my job as a mother - to guide you down the beginning of this narrow difficult path and to consistently turn your head so that your eyes are on Christ and not on the world.

I'm fortunate to have a logically minded child who loves the Lord.  But he's still a teenager who struggles with all the same things other teenagers struggle with.  Helping him understand this phase of life and the goals he's supposed to accomplish, make life a little easier for both of us.  I love my children deeply.  But I am mindful that they have been entrusted to me for a short time.  In that time, I will fail, but I'll never stop trying to do what God has called me to do.  And one day, I look forward to eternity with Christ and a huge family full of children and grandchildren who love Him too.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5

My Quiet Naughty

My dear little Annie who is only three years old would like you to think she’s as sweet as sugar.  Her sing-song voice reminds me of Minnie Mouse, her hair of Cindy Lou Who, and her smile not only lights up her face, but also a room.  She’s quite articulate for her age.  Sentences and song began flowing out of her well before the age of two.  Everywhere we go, people remark at how adorable Annie is.

However, those of us who live with her know the Annie others don’t get to see.  She’s a feisty little girl with an untamed spirit.  Utilizing a ninja like presence, she can destroy the order of a room in less than 5 minutes.  All toys are hers for the taking and her quiet demeanor allows for a destructive efficiency unmatched by other children her age.  It is this same gift which prompted her sister, with whom she shares a room, to tell her to "Get out!"  To which my little sweet Annie replied matter of factly, “You’re the worst sister ever and I don’t love you.”  She didn’t shout.  She didn’t stomp her feet.  She simply quietly announced her dissatisfaction and threw a few insults her sister’s way. 

As I laid in bed with Annie that night, I reminded her that being naughty is wrong.  But Annie informed me that being loud and naughty was wrong, but that being naughty and quiet was much better.  I didn’t laugh because she was quite serious.  I gently corrected her and put her to bed.  However, she fell asleep still convinced that her own sin was much less worse than all those other children who wore their sin loudly.  

In that moment, I saw myself -my Christian self - who had it all together for the world to see, but who protected those quiet sins which still lingered on the inside bathed in pride.  Even though I was thirty some years older than my toddler daughter, I was still rationalizing my sin because it was quiet.  I like my quiet naughty too.  I protect my haughty self and I not only allow others to look at me and my family with distinction, I relish in it.  Then my heart sank.  Just like my little Annie I wrongly believed in my heart that my quiet sins were much better than the in-your-face sins of others.  I knew in my head this way of thinking was wrong, but it took a three year old little girl to expose it in my heart.

As Christians when we start to think that our quiet sins set us apart from others who sin loudly, we put a huge spotlight on our pride. How can we serve Christ when pride lives in us?  We can’t.  I know that the world is filled with prideful people.  I know the unsaved suffer from the same prideful mindset as many within the church.  But we are called to be set apart.  We are called to be different, to wholly and humbly submit to Christ in all areas of our lives.  When we cling to pride on the inside, it doesn’t matter how put together our lives appear to others; everything that we do will pass through a lens of pride and self love, which is in direct opposition to the Gospel and the love of Christ.   We cannot serve two masters.  We cannot serve Christ and ourselves.  We must choose.  We must despise our quiet naughty and turn from our sins - even those that others cannot see.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!   

- Psalm 139:23-24

Loneliness

I am lonely - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but nearly all of the time.  As a child, being lonely was a lot more difficult.  There is something about the human spirit that craves relationship, and that shouldn't be too surprising because God created us for such a purpose.  But when we find ourselves outside of close relationships or far away from those we love, loneliness can really set in, and when it does we have to be very careful how much footing we allow it to have in our life.  Because if we look at the loneliness only through the lens of sadness, we risk misinterpreting the reason behind our feelings.

Often, feelings of loneliness can morph into feelings of rejection and low self-esteem, and as a child it can feel overwhelming and lead to depression.  I'm not sure I was depressed as an adolescent, but I was very lonely and I most certainly felt rejected.  Friends were very hard to come by.  Even though I was quite athletic and started on all the sports teams, I still carried the nerd card.  And while I tried desperately to fit in, I was very conflicted in my spirit.  Behaving in a way that would allow me to be accepted by my peers was in direct violation to how God was calling me to live.

Thankfully, my parents stepped in and put me in a Christian High School.  It wasn't all roses, but there were plenty of other kids like me and I finally didn't feel so lonely.  I also didn't have to compromise my beliefs in order to fit in.  (However it should be noted, that Christian schools are by no means perfect, and not all students who attend them are Christians.)  After high school, I went to college where once again loneliness started to take over.  As an 18 year old, I finally looked around and realized that loneliness was going to be a part of my life.  Because, the truth is: there are very few genuine Christians in the world.  People can say they are Christians.  They might go to church, sing praise songs, and read their Bibles, but actions don't make you a Christian.  True Christians have been reborn in Christ.  They are a new Creation and they are in the minority.

I have come to accept loneliness as a small part of my life.  I also teach my children to expect to be lonely at times.  After all, being a Christian and living a Christian life automatically puts you at odds with the world.  We are the exception not the norm.  We could choose to only surround ourselves with genuine Christians, but then we wouldn't be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).  God has called us to be different and to experience bouts of loneliness in this world.

But the truth is, even if  the world was only filled with genuine Christians, I'm confident I would still feel the pangs of loneliness.  Because there is a part of me that longs for something more - to know God and be known by Him.  While we may feel alone among humanity, we actually are never alone.  God is with us, and He promised to never leave us or forsake us.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence,“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”  (Hebrews 13:5b-6 NIV)

Our loneliness causes us to long for Christ and His return. If we never felt lonely, would we ever truly understand our need for Christ?  No one likes to feel alone.  I don't particularly enjoy it.  I have very few friends, and while my family fills some of the void, the rest of the void belongs squarely to God.  I long for Him.  I run after Him.  In my inability to find a comfortable fit in this world, I find complete acceptance and peace in God's hands.  I am lonely, but I am not alone.  Certainly there are welcoming kind people at church, plenty of social activities to keep me busy, and my children never actually let me have a minute to myself, but the feeling of loneliness still lingers.  It ebbs and flows and is a constant reminder that I am a temporary resident of this world (1 Peter 2:11).

I have learned that loneliness isn't so much of a curse as it is a reminder that I belong to Christ.  I need Him.  There is a part of me that will never be satisfied until He returns and that sits well with me.  In fact, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death and the Periodic Table

I recently read an article by Oliver Sacks about how in his last days on this earth, he is finding comfort in the Periodic Table.  Strange?  Perhaps.  But what few of you may know, is that I carry an orange laminated Periodic Table with me wherever I go.  It resembles a credit card in size and is stacked among some of them in my wallet as though it carries equal weight.  I guess this makes me an official card carrying nerd, but I've come to accept that I'm a little different.

Oliver Sacks and I have little in common, except that we both love numbers and find some comfort in them.  I am not nearly as intelligent as he is, nor am I as gifted.  However, I am fascinated by the order and complexities of this world and love learning as much as I can.  In fact, I'm sure Dr. Sacks could teach me quite a bit and I would enjoy soaking it all in.  He is a very smart man and I am saddened that he is suffering from terminal cancer.

But I am even more saddened that his only comfort is in numbers and a table of elements thrown together by man.  Really?  Is that all there is to life?  What a depressing thought to near death and only have numbers to cling to.  I too find comfort in numbers, but it pales in comparison to the love and salvation that can only come from a relationship with Jesus Christ!

This got me thinking a bit about how many people inside the church and outside the church cling to their periodic tables.  Yes, I realize that very very few of us have literal periodic tables that we carry around, but most of us turn to something other than Christ for comfort.  It could be alcohol, media, shopping, or shallow fleeting relationships.  True comfort and security is only found in knowing and being known by the Creator and Savior of the universe - the One who holds eternity in His hands.  Do you have a deep personal relationship with Jesus?  Is it a relationship that extends beyond church and reading your Bible?  I love my husband deeply, but I love my Savior even more.  Does your relationship with God transcend all that you say and do?  I hope so.  Because one day we will all find ourselves facing death, and when we do, my only comfort will come from Christ who will hold my hand as I transition from this life into eternity with Him.